I know as I write this that many of you will understand where I'm coming from, and some of you may not. If you've noticed, I have not been as diligent with my blogging as I used to be, especially when I was a working Mom. However, I feel it's time to come out with what has kept me silent, because I know other ladies are struggling with this, too.
You see, back in December, I was diagnosed with PCOS and Insulin Resistance. After 13 years of irregular periods and fatigue, I went to discuss my concerns with my lady doctor (fun, fun). We thought after I had my daughter that my body would somehow correct itself; a woman can dream can't she? I was stunned when the results came back after multiple tests.
I can remember thinking back to when I was a young teenager, complaining to my Mom about how my hair fell out all the time, my skin looked like the surface of the moon and how I had really painful periods (comparable to labor pains). She didn't understand, doctors didn't believe me, and I continued along my path until I couldn't take it any longer.
On my worst days I hide, wallowing in depression, avoiding the light, and on my best days I sidetrack myself away from the fatigue, pain and obvious weight gain. I understand I don't have something many of the population would deem serious, such as Lyme's Disease, but it is a real struggle on the inside. Someone doesn't have to look unwell to be in their own personal hell.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have one daughter who is about to turn two years old. When I asked my doctor how I had a baby without help, he didn't have an answer. She's my own personal miracle. For people who have had no issues in conceiving a child, please take a moment to realize how amazing it is that you don't have to struggle emotionally or financially to become pregnant.
No matter how much I would like to become pregnant again, I'm realizing how blessed I am just having one. After losing three babies, I am grateful one came through without complications. She is here, and that's more than a lot of Cysters have. And maybe you have been unable to conceive yet. It took us many years to successfully get pregnant, and I can truly relate to the pain that goes along with that.
Maybe no one will read this post, but I think it's going to be a healing step for me. To finally have some of my story in "writing". I have struggled with putting this to words, as I am not looking for pity. I feel like I am in a place where I need to find my purpose. Maybe the purpose we dream of as kids wasn't meant to be, but maybe that's okay. Maybe there is something better on the horizon. Maybe I simply haven't gotten there yet.
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